a departure of sound reasoning

sometimes parting ways is a painful process. friends, and old memories for example. but other times it’s the beginning of beginning, and the beginning of endings. new thoughts to explore, and feelings. like flowers in spring, we are presented with new experiences. life, birds singing, and sweet scented breezes.

putting down the old man is the same way. sometimes we leave it at the path, sometimes we bury it. but there is always a place designated that marks were we left it. sometimes we vow never to return, and sometimes we plan to see the old place again. maybe we’ve placed them in the water, and let them go were they please, like messages in a bottle – to comfort or stand as a reminder to others that the burdens we once bore were just that – burdens. but burdens can be removed, so they say.

there are shadows, and there are shades. sometimes they are one in the same.

so my wife in her clever way decided to attempt to decoupage my gun cabinet…

so i said “no”. there is only one thing i won’t let the missus do – and i know right now she is blogging about it at her blog (http://www.theamusingredhead.com). i think it’s time to fight and stand my ground this time.

there are certain things a man just cannot allow to happen – and this is one of them…

the battle is on!

i am usually not one for reflection. i turn my back on what’s behind and focus on the now. but it’s been a year to review.

2009 was a year of “plowing through”, just getting by, and buying time. left with the spare change i haven’t much to show for it – devaluation of lost personal experience, i guess. although painful, it is the ruler that measures the full height of what our lowest lows can be and our lofty heights can take us.

there is something special in the darkest hour, and i don’t mean that in a weird sadistic way. the hands that reached through and touched me will always have special meaning to me. more than words can say.

2010 is a year of opportunity, challenges, and reward. remembering we can rise so high, yet it is so far to fall – it is an opportunity to circumnavigate the adversities of what is, and what could have been.

there are only two things in life that really matter:

what you did, and what you’re doing.

“The important thing about a man is not where he goes when he is compelled to go, but where he goes when he is free to go where he will.…”

A.W. Tozer

if you had the chance to change your life – would you?

scary thought. what if we lived pristine lives. where would we be. how would we describe someone who has a strong character? who would we look to?

the people i look to all had something. life changing events. the emotional scars we developed over the years are not scabs to be picking at. they are tributes to the battles we’ve been in. lives are not made in clean environments. even our own immune systems need to fight the bad guy.

too many people are wishing for a little more. but when we get it, we always want a little more. contentment nowadays is anathema to the consumer craving society we’ve created. we are convinced that we deserve something better. except the things of this world all do the same thing: rust and corrupt.

there comes a time when we need to look at what we live for, and think about what we’ll die for.

“At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever, for his dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom endures from generation to generation;”

It happened last Sunday. After reading a week and a half of A.W. Tozer’s On Christian Leadership, and reading James 2-4:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces              steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Something finally clicked. It seems like I lost somewhere along the way the fact that suffering is a way of perfecting us. That standing steadfast in the face of adversity is God refining for us to to trust in Him and Him alone – to glorify Him in all things. It is a fact. Tozer said that we needed to take time out for meditation, to listen, wait – God will speak to us. I’ve not done that in a long time. I started again. It seems like the lesson was not unnoticed. I feel like Nebuchadnezzar – the blinders removed. My thoughts are starting to align again with God and it transcends my whole being. I give thanks for the progress I’ve made. I know it is God perfecting me.

“Think for yourself, and feel the walls become sand beneath your feet”…

I have many ailments.

I don’t understand why I have them.

I resent them and when I do, I experience the whiplash of God pulling me back to reality.

Who do I think I am? Job?

God asked Job 85 questions, I deserve no less than the anger of a God who has had too much of one whiney person. I am far from the first person for God to consider extraordinary enough to deliver to Satan for the least of trials.

That conclusion in itself is a breath of satisfaction. I am neither the greatest, nor the least of many. Although least of all is possible.

I have come to a conclusion that I can only consider so catastrophic as one who has experienced something, but nothing. A struggle that determines the reality of a person to whether there is a need to define one who has experienced a “hard life” or has not.

I am an ordinary man, with an extraordinary inability to deal with my infirmities. I am a king of malaise with no dignity.

There is no greater example of suffering that that of Christ. The torment he endured is beyond my comprehension.  Yet, I moan within myself the perceived pain that I “feel” I must endure. And then it happens. Life becomes a lie of how you feel. One’s feelings dictate the scope of ones emotions. “How do you feel, today?” is the question that is most imminent. The concept of “feeling” is one of philosophical nature, or abstract from a true existence – say an animal with the name “Feeling”, such as “Apollyon” in Pilgrims Progress. You can witness many events in just the news where you can observe persons feelings.  A bomb blast devastates a person’s life. You see the feelings – there is no need to ask. But when you ask someone how they feel – there are two communicators: the one who begs to be asked, and the one obliged to ask.

James 1:2 says “Count it all joy when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” I looked up the definition of joy: An intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness. I fail to understand the meaning of happiness, let alone joy. I do believe the two are different. Verse 12 continues on “steadfastedness”: “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him”.  Let me return to the dictionary to observe the definition of steadfastness: resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering. In between the bread of “steadfastness” of James 1 is the jelly (as in weak kneed) of doubt. “Like a wave of the sea that is driven by the wind”.  When is he who doubts no more driven about, but has no steadfastness? When the last drop of water has run it’s course, and ceases to exist. Neither doubtful, nor stable.

There is no Herculean effort.

Just the thrashing about of desperation.

lookin’ california

feelin’ minnesota

“Heaven” by live

You don’t need no friends
Get back your faith again
You have the power to believe
Another dissident
Take back your evidence
It has no power to deceive

I’ll believe it when I see it, for myself

I don’t need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don’t need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive

I sit with them all night
Everything they say is right
But in the morning they were wrong
I’ll be right by your side
Come hell or water high
Down any road you choose to roam

I’ll believe it when I see it for myself

I don’t need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe
I don’t need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive

Darling, I believe
Sometimes it’s hard to breathe
at the bottom of the sea

I’ll believe it when I see it for myself

I don’t need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe
I don’t need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive

I don’t need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe
I don’t need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset
I believe it